Er denneher ikke bare LIDT sjov :
Bloopers from announcers during the Olympics
JUST TOO GOOD TO PASS UP. FORGIVE IF IT OFFENDS
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn"t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn"t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It"s like they"ve got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Hvad syns du ?
Hvad er humor ?
Det er ikke helt korrekt at de er fra OL (bl.a. har Jullian Dicks stillet støvlerne for mange år siden), men stadig meget sjove. Har listet nogle af de originale. Elsker især den sidste :o)
Classic Sporting Commentaries
1. Alan Minter- "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of
them serious."
2. Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator- "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
3. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
4. Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator- "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."
5. Winston Bennett- "I"ve never had major knee surgery on any other
part of my body."
6. Murray Walker- F1 Racing Commentator- "The lead car is absolutely
unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
7. Greg Norman- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my Father and
Mother."
8. Terry Venables- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
9. Ron Atkinson- "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left
winger in the premiership, but there are none better."
10. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977- "Ah,
isn"t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."
11. Metro Radio- "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It"s like they"ve got
eleven dicks on the field."
12. David Acfield- "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems
to hang in the air for even longer."
13. Stuart Hall- Radio 5 live- "What will you do when you leave
football, Jack? Will you stay in football?"
14. David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics- "And there goes
Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his
class."
15. SPGA Commentator- "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
16. Mary Arnold - NBC news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn"t, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob,
where"s that eight inches you promised me last night?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor"s office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said "If you don"t do the following, your husband will die: 1) Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2) At lunch make him a warm and nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3) For dinner fix him an especially nice meal and don"t burden him with household chores. 4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim." On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. She replied "You"re going to die."
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn"t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom"s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I"ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don"t suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I"ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I"m not saying you *did* take a gravy ladle from my house, and I"m not saying you *did not* take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said: "Dear Son, I"m not saying that you *do* sleep with your housekeeper, and I"m not saying that you *do not* sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
En stor koncern leder efter ny administrerende direktør og modtager hundredvis af ansøgninger. Efter utallige samtaler og tests har de reduceret feltet til to mand, som de mener vil være kvalificerede til stillingen. De to ligger så tæt i samtlige tests og samtaler de blir sendt igennem, at ledelsen til sidst, nærmest i desperation, beslutter at sende mændende gennem en slags kreativitets-test og lade udfaldet bestemme hvem der får jobbet.
De to får udleveret pen og papir og blir bedt om at skrive et lille digt ud fra ordet: TIMBUKTU (Langbortistan, red.) - de blir placeret hver for sig og får 20 minutter til at skrive digtet...
Da tiden er gået kommer de ind til den første, han ser veltilfreds ud og læser højt hvad han har skrevet:
"Travelling through the desert sand,
I came upon a caravan.
I asked them where they were going to?
They said they were going to Timbuktu!"
Nydeligt, tænker bosserne og går ind til den anden fyr, der sidder med et skævt smil på læben...:
"Me and Tim on a trail one day.
We met three babes who had lost their way.
Since they were three, and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbucktwo"
Pack Up
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You"ll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I"ve just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn"t easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
Lidt flere "ups" fra diverse kommentatorer (og nej den første er IKKE sagt af "Johnny fra Greve":
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players to balance things up and give the team some brains and common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown."
(Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1,500 m times ever. And all those times over 1,500 m."
(David Coleman)
"They seem cold out there, they"re rubbing each other and he"s only come in his shorts."
(Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1"s UK eclipse coverage remarked)
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
(Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open)
"Stephen Hendry jumps on when Steve Davis"s misses every chance he gets."
(Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports)
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
(Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards" tyre choice on World Superbike racing)
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
("Winning Post"s" Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy"s formidable lead)
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond
"There"s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
(Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North)
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
(James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix)
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
(Steve Ryder covering the US Masters)
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott"s breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
(Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race)
"You"d eat beaver if you could get it."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
THE MAN CODE:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat".
2. Under no cicumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelorparty may legally be killed.
4. When you are queried by your buddys wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without incrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “BULLSHIT”. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
7. If you´ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who is late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.
12. Before dating a buddy´s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a mans zipper is down, thats his problem, you didnt see nothin´.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you must never ask who is playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give the go-ahead only if youll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when your sunning on a tropical baech... and its delivered by a topless supermodel... and its free...
20. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass-whooping", then you may sit back and enjoy.
21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. Thats just plain mean.
22. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she´s withholding sex pending your response.
23. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless youre on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations a nod is all you need.
D
Things heard at the Poker Table
After a player check raised on an open end straight flush draw with two overcards .... misses, bets out again and gets called by pocket 33 to his King high ....
Player #1: "Jeeze, how can you call that?"
Player #2: "I have a hard enough time folding the losers ... now you want me to fold the winners?"
Walking out of a grocery store ...
Solicitor: "Sir, would you care to donate to the Disabled Vets?"
Man: "Sorry, I gave at the Casino."
After a bad player makes an obvious straight flush on the river with a 5 card flush on the board ...
He tries to check raise with it.
Only to have the Ace high flush check it down.
Straight flush: "I wanted you to bet it!!".
Ace High flush: "I have a hard enough time playing my hand ... now you want me to play yours too!"
After another complicated check raise with open end straight flush draw with overcards .... But getting called by the virtual nuts.
Player 1 check raises the turn with 10cJc with a board of KcQcKd3s then bets the river when a 3h falls. Upon being called, player 1 proudly turns his hand over and doesn"t say a word.
Player #2 "Huh?" [looks and looks ... turns his head sideways and looks again. Decides he has the winning hand and turns over K4 offsuite.
Player #1 "Well, if you didn"t have a king you probably would have folded."
Player #2 "Yeah, you"re right ... But I thought you had something the way you turned it over real proud."
Player #1 "I was hoping you would misread my hand and throw yours away".
Player #3 "It was a nice try, but Bob can"t think that fast".
Submitted ot RGP by [email protected] (Kevlahan) - Chris K.
Det er jo ikke en rigtigt joke thread uden en blonde joke så her
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse"s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse"s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse"s pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness...
...when to her great fortune ... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn"t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Når du kører i en tidsmaskine på vej langt ind i fremtiden, skal du ikke stikke albuen ud af vinduet, for så bliver den til et fossil.
Jeg synes der burde være noget videnskabeligt der hed ”rensdyr-effekten”. Jeg ved ikke, hvad det skulle være, men det ville være skægt at høre nogen sige: ”Mine herrer, dette er et skræmmende eksempel på rensdyr-effekten.”
Noget som børn godt kan lide er at blive narret. For eksempel skulle jeg køre min lille nevø til Disneyland, men i stedet kørte jeg ham hen til et gammelt nedbrændt stormagasin. ”Åh nej,” sagde jeg, ”Disneyland er brændt ned!”. Han græd og græd, men jeg tror at inderst inde syntes han at det var en rimelig god spøg.
I første omgang troede jeg at hvis jeg var Superman, ville en perfekt hemmelig identitet være: ”Clark Kent, tandlæge”, fordi man kunne spare pengene til røntgenbilleder af tænder. Men så tænkte jeg, at hvis en patient sagde ”hvordan har min kindtand det?”, og man bare kiggede på den med sit røntgensyn og sagde ”den er okay”, så ville patienten sikkert sige ”skal du ikke tage et røntgenbillede, din nar?”, og så ville man sige ”åhr, hold kæft, skrid med dig”, og så ville han sikkert ikke engang betale sin regning.
Hvis jeg levede i det Vilde Vesten, ville jeg, i stedet for at gå rundt med en seksløber, gå rundt med en loddekolbe. Hvis så en højrøvet cowboy sagde noget i retning af: ”Hej, se: Han har en loddekolbe!” og begyndte at grine, og alle andre begyndte at grine, kunne jeg bare sige: ”Det er rigtigt. Det er en loddekolbe. Retfærdighedens Loddekolbe!” Så ville de alle sammen blive meget stille og skamme sig over at de gjorde grin med Retfærdighedens Loddekolbe, og jeg kunne sikkert nasse nogle gratis drinks fra dem.
Frygt kan ofte være en nyttig følelse. For eksempel, lad os sige du er en astronaut på månen, og du frygter at din partner er forvandlet til Dracula. Næste gang han går ud efter månesten, slam! smækker du døren bag ham og flyver afsted. Han vil sikkert kalde dig over radioen og sige at han ikke er Dracula, men du siger bare: ”Du kan tro nej, flagermus-fyr!”
Hvis I definerer kujoneri som at spæne væk ved det første tegn på fare, mens man skriger og falder og beder om nåde, så, ja, hr. Modige Mand, så er jeg nok en kujon.
Det er en skam at man ikke kan købe en voodoo-globus så man kan få jorden til at snurre enormt hurtigt og gøre alle mennesker tossede.
Far mente at latter var den bedste medicin, hvilket sikkert er grunden til at mange af os døde af tuberkulose.
For mig er det en god idé at gå rundt med to sække et-eller-andet hele tiden. Hvis nogen så spørger: ”Hej, kan du lige give mig en hånd,” kan man sige: ”Desværre, jeg har de her sække.”
Jeg mener, at i vægtløftning bør man ikke diskvalificeres for pludselig, ukontrolleret urinering.
For mig er boksning som en ballet, bortset fra at der ikke er nogen musik, ingen koreografi, og at danserne slår hinanden.
Jeg synes ikke klovne er sjove. Faktisk er de temmelig uhyggelige. Jeg har spekuleret over hvad det skyldes, og jeg tror det stammer fra dengang jeg var i cirkus, og en klovn slog min far ihjel.
Det er en stor mand, der tør at græde. Men det kræver en større mand at le ad ham.
Kærlighed er ikke noget man kan lænke med kæder og smide i en sø. Det kaldes Houdini. Kærlighed er når man h
Hvad er humor?
Humor kendetegnes som værende en kunstart, hvor man ved en tilsigtet brug af ord, mimik eller handling får "modtageren" til at reagere i affekt: latter, undren mm - endog vrede!
De første indlæg vedr. kommentatorernes "bloopers" var UTILSIGTEDE (deraf navnet) udtalelser, og kan derfor ikke karakteriseres som værende et udslag af humor!
Men morsomme var de, og de er da også blevet arkiveret (tak).
-------------------------------
Filmproducenten bad promotoren spørge Brad Pitt, om han var interesseret i en rolle, hvor han skulle spille negerslave.
Promotoren ringede: Brad vil ha" 20mio for at spille neger.
Filmproducenten: Av, det var mere end jeg havde regnet med - kan du ikke spørge ham, om han vil spille mulat for 10?!....
@MIWALA: Se det er grineren, er det Lasse Rimmer?
Hvis det er MIWALAs egen håber jeg du optræder med det...
thumbs up
@Winitall:
Desværre ikke mine egne...
Jack Handy hedder den geniale mand der har tænkt disse dybe tanker...
Tag en søgning på nettet... Der ligger flere derude...
Og ja, det er rigtig god humor :-)
Mvh Mika
Jack Handy Fed Stil. Sjoveste tilsigtede humor so far på Pokernet.
Eloria - ikke din skyld du ikke har humor (endnu) ;-p
Super fedt Mika!!
Eloria: Du er ikke alene. Jeg kan heller ikke kapere det meste af det!
Det er da godt, at humor er så forskelligt. Jeg er helt vild med de fleste af dem Miwala diskede op med. Men det ville også være en kedelig verden hvis vi alle var så ens, at vi også havde ens humor...
"Jeg synes at aberne i Zoologisk Have burde have solbriller på, så de ikke kan hypnotisere dig."
Jeg griner endnu. Det er så sjovt.
Mvh.
Mads
Da jeg i 50´erne arbejdede på Burmeister og Wain brugte jeg en tid på at studere lokumsdigte. Der kom nye hver uge og på forskellige sprog. Efter et langt, poetisk digt på Engelsk, var der en gut, som havde tilføjet:
One should think by such a wit
That shakespeare had been here to shit.
Killroy was here :-)
Det syns jeg var go´ værkstedshumor.
Who"s Your Daddy?
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father"s details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue, where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
04. I don"t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he"s had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son"s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A"s dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I"d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can"t be sure which one made you fart.
@dhaxx
Klassikeren:
"Ligner han sin far?"
"Det ved jeg ikke, han havde hat på."
Ejnar Pik, Sydhavnen.
Guerre jeg har masser af humor, men noget der er så sort som det Miwala skrev kan jeg virkelig ikke grine af.
Det var da det sjoveste jeg endnu har læst!
Thumbs up Mika, kanon indlæg hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahaha
Til alle der "vælter rundt på gulvet" over MIKA"S indlæg:
Hvor i alverden har I deponeret jeres hjerner?
Som pensioneret hjernekirurg eksperimenterer jeg i øjeblikket med at transplantere en menneskehjerne til en salamander.
Det har været svært at finde en egnet hjerne - men nu er jeg begyndt at tro på, at det kan lade sig gøre! :)
@SEAHAWK
Hvis man har sort humor, så er det som Mika skriver enormt morsomt. Hvis man derimod mener at Finn Nørbygaard er Danmarks sjoveste person (eller måske nærmere at han OVERHOVEDET er sjov), så vil man nok ikke mene det er videre morsomt :o)
Humor og smag er heldigvis forskelligt fra person til person :o)
Dansk underholdnings svar på en stuebirk. Kedelig, overflødig og ikke noget jeg vil have inden for i min hytte :o)
Men folk der ønsker det, kan jo booke ham her:[a:http://www.topunderholdning.dk/finnnorbygaard.htm][a]
Men han må åbenbart alligevel være een af dine store interesser, siden du "off the top of your head" kan fyre hans livshistorie af?
Livshistorie?? Altså hvis hans livshistorie er, at være "kedelig, overflødig og ikke noget jeg vil have inden for i min hytte", så kender jeg den, ellers så må jeg melde pas :o)
Han interesserer mig ikke, så jeg har ikke læst link"et. Undrede mig blot over din paratviden om personen, når du ikke bryder dig om ham?
Nååå, okey dokey. Det eneste der står på den side, er at man kan booke ham til et 40 minutters show.
Men skal vi ikke bare blive enige om, at svaret på "hvad er humor" må være "Det er individuelt"?? :o)
Og så må jeg hellere komme hjem fra arbejdet så jeg kan spille lidt poker...
Enig i at Finn Nørbygaard er overflødig, men du skal sgu ikke tale grimt om min stuebirk:-)
Ok, Mercury. Heldigvis er vi af forskellige opfattelser! Knald drengene i pokeren!
no2 og frem til no5, papegøjen, klovnen med diarre, Jesse James, erindringerne, morderklovnen, spurven, onkel hulemand og ikke mindst håndgranaten, er sgu da helt sublim humor...Jeg væltede rundt på gulvet og sælger gerne min hjerne til videnskabelige eksperimenter, men må lige indskyde at den er lettere brugt, meget twisted samt, sikkert en hæmsko, ikke videre symptomatisk for homo sapiens som helhed.
Pas på din stuebirk mester, den giver astmatisk bronkitis. Og så er det ikke engang løvn. Tilslutter mig iøvrigt siden som kårer Jack Handy til en komisk gud (næsten) på højde med mandrilaftalen, John og Aage, Gramsespektrum og andet godt fra den danske crazycomedy scene.