A farmer is walking in his cornfield in Iowa one spring day when he hears a voice...
"Take all your money and go to Vegas"
Being a sane person, he ignores the voice. The next day he he hears the voice again....and the next day... and the next day....and on and on till he can"t stand it anymore and he takes all of his money, a little over $10,000 and gets on a plane to Vegas.
When he lands in Vegas the voice says...
"Binions... Go to Binions"
When the cabbie drops him off at Binions the voice says...
"Take your last $10,000 and enter the World Series of Poker."
So the farmer takes all his money and buys into the main event. The tournament starts and as he receives his second card face down the voice says....
"Go All In"
The farmer looks at his cards and finds two black Aces. And he shoves all his chips into the middle. Where amazingly three players call him.
"Yesss... Yesss.... Yesss...." The voice says.
The flop comes: Jh-Th-9h
The voice says....
"Fuuuuckkkk"
poker jokes
What"s the difference between a guy praying at a poker table and a guy praying in church?
The guy at the poker table means it.
A young man was in a card room one day with his new girlfriend. It"s their first date and everything is going well, barring the occasional period of silence. The girlfriend goes to "powder her nose" and while she is away, the young man spots somebody at another table that looks incredibly like Mike "Mad Genius" Caro. So, he pops over and approaches Mike.
"Excuse me," says the young man, "but you half look like Mike Caro. I don"t suppose....."
"Well," interrupts Mike, "actually, I am Mike Caro."
Well, the young man is almost speechless, but does continue, "Look Mike, I think you"re great. I"ve got all your books and videos and blah, blah, blah, etc......could you do me a favor?"
"What ever you want,"says Mike.
"Well, you see I"m at another table with my new girlfriend and it would really impress her if you would just come up to me and say, "Hello Steve"."
"Sure, no problem." says Mike.
So Steve rushes back to his table and his girlfriend returns. A few moments later, over pops Mike to their table and goes up to Steve.
"Hi Steve, how you doing?" says Mike.
Steve looks up and says, "Oh, fuck off, Mike.
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You"ll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I"ve just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn"t easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
His wife looking on, Doctor John Reed picked up the phone and heard a colleague"s familiar voice. "We need a fourth for poker" John whispered back, "I"ll be right over." As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," John replied gravely. "… There are three doctors there already!"
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A poker dealer and a poker player with a near flush in Texas Hold"Em were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the poker dealer. The poker player said, "When I get bad cards, it"s not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The poker dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I"m serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I"ll take an eight."
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Leaving the poker party late, as usual, Tom turned to his friend, Jack. "I can never fool my wife when I return from poker." Tom complained. "I turn off the car"s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone." "You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy Jack replied. "When I return from poker I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say "How about a little? - She always pretends to be asleep."
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One day Rodney walked in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing?" He asked. "We"re playing poker and your mom"s the wild card," replied his father. So Rodney walked out and went into his sister"s room and saw his sister and her boyfriend going at it. "What are you doing?" he asked again. "We"re playing poker and he"s the wild card," replied his sister. So Rodney walked out and went to his room. Later on Rodney"s father walked in. "What are you doing!" yelled his father. Rodney replied, "I"m playing poker!" "But where is your wild card?" asked his father. Rodney replied, "With a hand like this who needs a wild card!
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The Crazy Bet
Two guys go into a poker club, and head for the back room with the two high limit tables. They whisper a little back and forth, point at some people, then split up and each sit at a table.
The first guy is playing pretty wild, throwing away money like it doesn"t mean anything. The second guy occasionally glances at his table. Now one of the players at the first table is the owner of the club, who likes to sit down every now and then and give the regulars a little of their money back. After a while, he can"t help but wonder where the new fish at his table, who is down three thousand dollars already, gets his money, since he"s obviously got lots of it. So he asks him, "Say, what do you do for a living?"
The guy answers, "I bet people".
"Huh?", says the poker club owner, displaying that professions characteristic wit.
"I bet people. You know, about whether certain things will happen. Like, I could bet you ten thousand dollars that by the next time you win a pot, your balls will be cubical."
"What? Cubical balls? No way. I mean, how could you make money betting like that? You wouldn"t bet that."
"I sure would. Ten thousand dollars. This game is pretty boring anyway, it needs a side bet."
The club owner thinks for a while, but he really can"t see any way to lose this bet. Ten thousand dollars for free - he can"t resist. You don"t get to be a club owner without a big dose of greed, and this guy is typical, so he agrees to the absurd bet.
Strangely enough, the guy"s play tightens up quite a bit, and as the next few hands are played, the club owner seems a little reluctant to go to the showdown. Not that he thinks it could actually happen, but, well, he can"t help being a little superstitious. The guy he made the bet with notices this and takes advantage of it, bluffing him out of a pot. Maybe he isn"t such a fish, think the other players. But then why would he make such a stupid bet?
After a while, the inevitable happens. The owner is dealt pocket aces, and the flop comes AKK. He may be a little worried, but there is no way he can fold a hand like this, and besides, his eyes are lighting up at the thought of 10 grand plus all the action he could get if someone else has one of the remaining aces or kings. Two players stay in to the showdown, and the owner gets a monster pot, his full house beating aces up and a player with Kx who got hit by the turn for Kings up. After he is pushed the pot, the eyes of all the players turn to the mysterious bettor.
"Well? You owe me 10 grand!", says the owner. "I can assure you, they feel just fiiiiiiine!"
"Can I see them.", asks the stranger.
"WHAT?", screams the casino owner.
"This is ten thousand dollars on the line. How can I believe you? Maybe you are lying for the money, or maybe you wouldn"t even be able to tell. Who knows how cubical balls feel, right? I"m going to have to examine them to confirm that I lost the bet."
The casino owner thinks about it for a while, but while rather bizarre, he can"t help realizing the request makes sense. How else to prove he won? His prudish nature battles with his greed for a while, but the final result is as predictable as a fight between a fish"s fear of losing his last few chips and his hope that maybe this time, finally, he"ll get that monster flop. The stranger walks over, and the casino owner drops his pants. The stranger"s friend is watching intently from the other table in the room. The stranger reaches up, cups the owner"s balls, then releases them and says, "You"re right. You win the bet."
The casino owner restores his clothing and smiles hugely, as the stranger"s friend goes on massive tilt, slamming his fists on the table and yelling, "FUCK YOU! YOU BASTARD, YOU DID IT AGAIN!"
The c